--R. A. Wilson
By: R. A. Wilson
My infernally hideous alarm clock blared, scaring me awake from my dreams that left me in a cold sweat. I sat up straight in my fright, breathing heavily as I tried to shake off the dream’s effects. I looked over to my alarm clock; it was 6:30 in the morning and time to get ready for work. I didn’t want to get up so I weighed the matter over and over, only considering going to the office since my boss told me that if I was late again I would have to find a new job. Finally coming to the conclusion that I should heed the chief, I could not afford to be late again, so I started the desperate fight against my grogginess. I swung from underneath my covers and sat at the bed’s edge, the lion slippers on the floor staring up at me. Inserting my feet as I do every morning into their mouths, I stood up to begin the morning tradition.
My room was dust covered as per usual and clothes were strewn all about the floor haphazardly; I stumbled through this clutter and went into the bathroom. Looking at myself in the mirror, I just sighed as I wished for nothing more then the comfort of sleep, thinking that being awake is worse then unemployment. Knowing that it wasn’t going to happen, I scratched the sleep from the corners of my eyes and then ran my hand over my chin to see if I needed to shave. Finding nothing more then a light stubble, I wrote off shaving and grabbed my toothbrush from the cup next to the faucet. I brushed my teeth with my eyes closed, still fighting with the lure of sleep, though not fighting hard. I combed my hair next and then returned to the bedroom, dragging my feet.
Stumbling through the room again, I found myself standing before my closet. Opening the doors, I was presented my array of suits; in my tired delirium I did not care which one I wore, so I just grabbed a random one out and threw it on the bed. I sat back down on my mattress and placed my head in my hands and again fantasized about sleep, wishing that being up now was only a nightmare. I took off the slippers and stood up; dropping down my robe, I then dressed in my suit. Finally clothed, I was committed with continuing throughout the day; I walked down the hall to the kitchen. My coffee pot started to percolate as I set it to do at 7:00, and while it did this I poured a bowl of Rice Crispies. Sitting at the table, I ate while downing the coffee in hopes of the enlightened state it would beget as it tore me from my dreariness. Placing my dishes in the sink, I grabbed my briefcase lying by the door and went outside to head to the office.
My blue Volkswagen beetle stared at me, begging to be taken on a road trip and skip these daily practices. It pleaded over and over with me, but its words fell upon deaf ears. Inside the car, turning the key, I started my blue beast and onto the road we went. I drove down the block to the stop sign and then turned right. On the corner there stood a group of prostitutes; I thought it was a little early for them to be out, but I didn’t know that profession all that well and so I wrote them off quickly. Shortly thereafter, the interstate loomed ahead of me offering a quick route to the office; I pulled out into the traffic and joined the rush. Looking in my rearview mirror, I noticed a speeding pink hummer coming up fast from behind me with license plates that read “Teddy Bear.” It whipped around my beetle and merged in front of me, nearly. You could say that it merged, but it more like clipped my fender and sent me flying into the ditch, my VW rolling.
I sat up straight in bed, shaking off the weird dream as my alarm clock rang, waking me from my dreams as it did every morning. I looked towards the alarm clock; it was 6:30. Pictures of my irate boss eating a donut and yelling in the meetings that I was usually late for came to my mind; I had to get up. Swinging from under my bed’s covers, I sat on the edge of the bed and looked down at my lion slippers. They were growling at me; I guess they didn’t want my feet in their mouths as they ended each up each morning. I thought, “Too bad,” and inserted my feet, silencing their growls into barely audible muffles once again. I stood up and walked to the bathroom, nearly tripping over a pair of pants on the floor of the cluttered bedroom.
In front of the bathroom mirror, I rested my head against its cold surface and dug the sleep from my eyes; this took a few minutes to accomplish. Afterwards, I picked up my toothbrush and brushed away; the foam filled my mouth, cleansing the bacteria and my stinking breath. Grabbing the comb next, I stood up straight again and brushed my short hair, shaping it with styling gel. I put the brush down and returned to my bedroom and went to my closet to grab a suit. Dropping my robe onto the floor, I then dressed in the work clothes. After this I sat on my bed and removed the slippers, which started to growl again, only becoming silent when they watched me put on my shoes. I stood back up and walked down the hall to my kitchen.
My coffee pot was already percolating at its preset time. I went to the fridge and grabbed out two eggs. I fried them on the stove, unfortunately getting a piece of shell in one; it wasn’t too crunchy though. I put my coffee in a travel mug and, with my briefcase, went outside to begin my commute. My red VW beetle sat in the driveway, staring at me. Ignoring its glaring, I got in and started the motor. Backing up, I pulled onto the road. Driving down the block, I stopped at the stop sign and turned right. Standing on that corner there was a trio of prostitutes. It was kinda early for them to be out I though, but not that I really care. Shortly beyond that I found myself on the interstate, merging with the traffic.
I watched a speeding white bullet coming up from behind me. It was a unicorn, and it carried a maiden that wore a flowing white robe. It pulled beside me and then back in front of me. In an attempt to not to hit it, I swerved to the right, sending my car spiraling off the road, and rolling down the hill.
My alarm clock blared, tearing me from my dreams once more. I slowly sat up; glancing at my clock I saw it was 6:30. I closed my eyes to fall back asleep, but the only thing I saw was the donut-filled mouth of my boss shrieking at me; it was time to get ready for work. I swung around and sat on the edge of my bed as I did every morning, then stood up and walked into the bathroom.
I looked at myself in the mirror and scraped the sleep from my eyes. I picked up my toothcomb and put the gel on it; since I had bed teeth, they had to be combed into their normal shape. After that I mowed my hair. Done in the bathroom, I walked back into my bedroom and over to the closet. Inside of which, I found my suit and dressed in it. Looking over to my bedside I saw my slippers laying there. I thought I had already put them on but writing this off I walked over to them; they growled up at me. I smiled at them as I shoved my feet into their mouths.
My coffee had already percolated so I poured myself a cup and popped a slice of bread in the toaster. Sipping my coffee, I spread peanut butter over the toast when it was done. With breakfast finished and the coffee flowing through my veins, I grabbed my briefcase and went outside. My maroon beetle waited for me in the driveway. Sitting down in the driver’s seat and turning the key, the motor started and I backed out of the driveway and onto the road which will lead to the office. In drive, I proceeded to the corner. Turning right, I noticed a trio of prostitutes dressed as clowns, offering their services to keep me home from work. Trying to ignore them, I just looked ahead and drove on to the interstate.
After merging into traffic, I noticed a white unicorn sporting a white robed maiden racing up from behind me doing at least eighty-five. It whipped around me and cut me off; in an effort to not hit it, I swerved to the right which ended with me rolling down the hill.
My alarm clock showed 6:30, demanding me to get ready for work. I sat up and stared at the time in disbelief. Again? I sighed and turned to sit at my bed’s edge. My lion slippers growling slightly, I rubbed the sleep from my eyes. I smiled at the slippers and though that this still does not seem right, but still stood up and went to the bathroom. I quickly gelled and combed my teeth and mowed my hair, wanting to hurry this process, unsure of its actual existence. Finishing in the bathroom I went back into the bedroom and out to the kitchen.
The coffee hadn’t started to percolate yet, so I grabbed my peanut butter and plopped it on the floor. I stood in it and smeared it over my toes until the coffee was finally ready. After pouring the dark drink over my hands I felt awake. I then noticed that I was still wearing my robe so I went back to my room and over to the closet; inside I found my purple suit. Taking down my robe, I dressed and noticed that my slippers were also still lying by the bed. Though they were growling at me, I still put them on.
I grabbed my box of assorted cheese from mozzarella to bree and went outside. My large purple pineapple stared at me from the driveway, asking me to take it on a tropical vacation. Ignoring its pleadings, I jumped on top of it and pulled out onto the road.
At the end of the block was a group of three prostitute clowns that offered book readings to those that decide to call in to work; I couldn’t since I had missed so much work lately. Turning right, I headed onto the interstate and merged into the traffic. Joining the rush to the office, I noticed a unicorn speeding up from behind me. It whipped around me so fast that my orange pineapple rolled down the hill side.
My alarm clock flashed 6:30, telling me it was time to start the day again; how many times was I going to endure this morning? I sighed and sat up. Jumping down from my violet pineapple in the driveway, I went into my kitchen. The coffee had yet to start percolating, so I plopped chunky mud on the floor from a jar. Standing in the goopy mess, I smeared it over my toes until the coffee was done. I finally felt awake after throwing the coffee maker out the window.
Following this I noticed that I was still wearing my robe! Going into my room, I saw a group of three prostitute clowns in the hallway that were wearing purring lion slippers. The clown prostitutes offered book readings to those that decide to call in to work; I couldn’t do it this morning with my job on the line. I went to the closet, inside of which I found my purple gerbil costume. Disrobing, I dressed in the rodent uniform and placed the head over mine. I now went into the bathroom to quickly gel and comb the costume’s teeth and mow its claws.
Finishing in the bathroom, I went back into the bedroom and out to the kitchen. A white unicorn was standing there, glaring at me; this unnerved me so I tried to ignore it. I grabbed my box of assorted paper shreddings, from blue to pink, and went outside. My large violet pineapple stared at me from the driveway, asking me to take it on a tropical vacation. Ignoring its pleadings, I jumped on top of it and threw my blankets on the ground and then pulled out onto the road.
I headed onto the interstate and merged into the flowing river of strawberry jam. Joining the rush to the office, I noticed an egg in a suit that carried a white robed maiden speeding up from behind me. It whipped around me so fast that my violet pineapple rolled down the hill side.
I sat up straight. The amorphous pile of slug that was my alarm clock said it was 6:30 in the morning. Picking it up with my shovel, I threw it against the wall and laid my head back down on my toaster thinking, “My job’s not worth this.”